Well its that time of year again. The time of year that signifies the implied mockery of the lonely and the international support of the romantically lethargic. The time of year that actually warrants a day on the calendar to remind people of either their ineptitudes, their disadvantages or less often than so, their relationship triumphs. The time of year that provides a day for acceptable sweeping discrimination, not based on race or religion, but on luck, looks, financial success, sometimes personality but more often than anyone would like to admit, deceit. Thats right, folks- its February and that means its
February 1st marks a brief period of time, stretching anywhere from 14 to 28 days depending on the cad in question, where ink in a numbered square and the muddled reputation of some old fart martyr from the Roman era actually puts social pressure on people to remember their fiduciary duty to their significant others. Sounds wonderful, doesnt it, for what better service to our selfish world than the outright annunciation of a day dedicated to the appreciation of others? What more appropriate for an already painfully thoughtless population than admitting general laziness by forcing the act of love and issuing a measly 24 hour interval for objectively justified reprehension for poor romantic performance. Not to mention the social blessing of alienation for those unfortunate enough to not have a partner. Great fucking day.
Now some of you will read this and undoubtedly think that this view is no more than an accumulation of frustration and resentment gathered as a result of countless failures in the world of romance. Perhaps I am so in touch with the painful half of Valentines Day, that I am only able to focus on that particular half with clarity and insight, and only through this focus, am I able to internally reconcile my own shortcomings. Perhaps. And perhaps everyone who has ever volunteered at a homeless shelter has at one time been homeless. And perhaps all those signed up to assist the mentally disabled were once disabled themselves. And perhaps you cant see the benefit in social empathy through broadened perspectives because you yourself are a selfish shit who has been sheltered under balanced books and Hershey kisses all your life. And perhaps you dont realize the absolutely ridiculous notion of a marked celebration that creates and connotes ONLY TWO HALVES that can be broken down into successes and failures. Well open your fucking eyes, Cupid- when people get shot with arrows by little fat kids in fluffy diapers they either bleed to death or die from infection.
. There are several issues that arise from Valentines Day. First, let me avoid the irrelevant spewings of pseudo-historians and idealists by saying I that I have no concern for intent. Im sure that the original creator was strictly religious in intention and that the dimple-soaked pussy-footer that spearheaded our current spin on Valentines Day had nothing more in mind than to spread love across the land. Whatever they thought would come of it, the idea turned out to be stupid and is now just as selfish as the people thought to benefit most from its practice. The fact that it exists is a testament to our retarded approach to relationships. Valentines Day is sometimes just another day for star-struck lovers, but for the most part is a forcing of the hand and a mandatory expression of love. Why is this necessary? Because people suck at love.
So you may be saying, Perfect! If we are so inept in our interpersonal dealings then a reminder is exactly what we need! We live in a busy world! We have responsibilities that flow far beyond our significant others and when people get busy, and justifiably so, they need to have structure- even if the structure is impersonal in conception. Well, thats a noble thought, but it doesnt change two things. One, people are still selfish and stupid and without 355 more Valentines Days in the calendar year, this characteristic will remain implanted despite the culturally staggering influences of an annual
1 day effort at its dissipation. Second, do you know what busy, thoughtless, selfish people like even more than reasons and calanders? Come on . . . you know this one . . . thaaaats right; excuses. Shitheads and pricks alike are now justified in delaying and combining acts of appreciation that could have and should have occurred in January or March because they astutely nipped the bud on the one day that really matters. Why make that significant gesture on March 23rd, some worthless random day, when you already dumped $4,000 on a bracelet on February 14th- the 24 hour Chanukah for sack-mates.
But thats ok- thats not an indisputable reason to shun Valentines Day; if those people exist with Valentines Day, theyll certainly flourish without it. And I dont intend to propose the solution to the worldwide decay of love and respect although I do have some ideas that involve 90 degree angles, humungous canoe paddles and freezer-chilled colonoscopy equipment. The worst thing about Valentines Day is its exclusionary nature. The fact that if you, for some reason or another, have not been able to fool someone into being your significant other, then usually it is IMPOSSIBLE to partake in the celebration. Obviously if youre 80 year old spinster virgin you cant celebrate Mothers Day and I dont expect Jews to be gluing Christmas lights to their kippahs but first, Mothers Day serves as a rightful reimbursement more than it does a celebration and second, religious holidays occur as a result of choices- not successes and failures. Valentines Day is a symbolic pile of romantic feces in which lonely individuals with emotional baggage have their droopy faces smeared every year like clockwork.
. Think about it! Sure some people in Missouri and tiny islands in the Caribbean always feel comfortable with their brothers and sisters as back-up plans, but if you are without a lover, what the fuck good is Valentines Day? Not only is it no good, but its all bad. Unless of course youre some twisted Hare Krishna that gets off on other people looking happy together in the midst of your own failures. And perhaps you will feel inclined to throw at me a rebuttal of self-contradiction; I claim to be empathetic but only for those suffering when one who is truly empathetic would feel joy just as easily as sorrow. Valid point, in theory. Unfortunately life is not fair and there are a lot more fucked up people unable to find or retain their other halves than there are cheery, comfortable, Ill-help-you-do-the-dishes-all-I-ask-for-is-your-love-and-the-ocassional-blowjob Brady Bunch couples.
Expressions of love should not have days marked on the calendar to justify their fruition; acts of respect and appreciation should not have an interval within which they are more appropriate or even worse, more appropriately expected. Sweet fuck, people, its love. I dont mean to sound like Nathan Lane at the Tony Awards, but lets get real; were talking about something that represents honesty and everything that is right with the world, however seldom it rears its underappreciated head. It should be natural. As far as Im concerned, Wipe Your Ass day would be just as meaningful as Valentines Day- everyone should be wiping their asses more often than once a year, but maybe we should make those strokes really count. Then youd only have to worry about people with no arms and no anuses feeling left out- I get the feeling that there are a few less of those than there are gloomy singles.
Now obviously I think that if you are lucky enough to have someone, you should use that day to step up and give an extra 4-8% on top of the 100% you should already be donating to the cause. I dont mean for people to boycott the day when they could be getting laid instead- I might be a prick, but Im not inconsiderate. I do think though, that Valentines Day is something that is best celebrated in Kindergarten when its fun to get fuzzy cards in the shape of a kiss from everybody in your class- including the gay kid with the funny hair cut. Valentines Day is a great concept for times when reality and developed emotions are of less concern than who ate the crayons. Valentines Day is a great concept for people who cant function past grunts and involuntary bowel movements and for large populations of immaculately happy couples.
Valentines Day is a stupid, stupid concept for the real world in which people should only enter into relationships if they are prepared to provide more effort than pre-written Hallmark cards and lingerie suggestions. Valentines Day is a ridiculous concept for a world where people suffer more than they do succeed. Valentines Day is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen on a calendar since the New York fire department starting selling pictures of their staff to troglodyte women with bonehead fantasies about burning houses and guys with rubber boots. Valentines Day is nothing more than a representation of our generally sub-par romantic behavior and a capitalist economy that fosters people and companies that would try to make money from Rape Awareness Week if they could just find the right mascot. Fuck Valentines Day. Fuck Valentines Day and fuck those flying children of the corn cherubs that make people grin at its embracing. If Ive got love, I dont